Mother's Day

Tempus fugit...

It felt like just yesterday when I held Lucas in my arms for the first time, thinking it so surreal that he was finally here, screaming on my chest, taking in his first lungful of air after being incubated for 9 whole months. "My life is complete..." I thought. I never knew that my life would change forever, and that it would be the end of me, being just me.

17 months later, I looked into the mirror while combing my freshly showered hair before pinning it up into a bun without giving it time to dry, all the while running through a list of to-dos in my head before Lucas wakes up from his nap. I stopped to look at myself in the mirror, and I looked like a stranger. Gone are the days of skincare regime and silky locks. My outfits have been replaced by easy to throw on tops and unkempt hair that are dry at the ends. It took my breath away for a moment as I tried to remember what I looked like years ago, before Lucas, before I was a Mum, when I was just Sylvia.

She loved to shop, she loved weekend foodie hunts and late night movies and she loved jet-setting for long holidays twice yearly. I missed that girl, her carefree lifestyle and her voracious appetite for life. Now she drags herself out of bed at night to soothe her crying son, flops back to bed hoping to catch the remaining 2 hours of sleep uninterrupted by wails, then jolts awake at 6am to get ready for work. In the evening, she drags her sorry ass home at 7pm to pick up her little man from his grandma's before heading home to gobble down a really late dinner and hurry to put him to bed. Needless to say, weekends are for cleaning house and laundry along with picking up toys strewn all over the living room. I hardly have enough time for proper sleep and I feel perpetually guilty about neglecting my friendships. Sometimes I struggle with the fear that I'm a lousy parent for neglecting my son on weekdays because I have to work to survive.

But sometimes in the dead of the night, as I stroke the little man's back as he drifts off to sleep, I'm thankful that I have a beautiful son who makes it all worthwhile when he flashes his cheeky smile at me when he wakes, or his sticky hugs as he squeals with excitement when he sees me at the front door. The tedious work day melts away into absolute bliss when I feel his little arms around my neck.

I remind myself constantly that he is growing up everyday and that I should savour every possible moment with him while he still needs and wants me. Maybe one day I can learn to be both a Mummy and myself and to balance both our needs and wants, and to always remember the other man in my life who played a big part in giving me this beautiful baby boy.

For now, I'll take it a day at a time and treasure my time with him, and perhaps learn to love myself more along the way. To my dear son, I hope that you grow up knowing that I wasn't always your Mummy, that I was my own person as well. But I would do it over and over again despite it all.

Happy Mother's Day to all! :)

My bitch of a boss

Life with a new boss is certainly not pleasant. This is especially so if she is a pregnant waddling hormonal "I'm always right and can never be wrong" psychotic piece of work who flirts with higher authority to get her way. 

I'm reaching the end of my limits. 

She recently changed our seating arrangements because apparently the girls getting too chummy proves to be too much for her to handle. Doesn't this sound all too "primary school"? 

On a day to day basis, I'm willing myself to take the high road and tune her shrieky voice out so I don't get a coronary. But it seems to be getting harder with her personal attacks raining on me all too often. There's no point in complaining to the higher management about this because he has been flooded with so much excessive love from her that he walks around calling her "princess". Oh yes, I just threw up in my mouth. 

I need to visit the temple to “打小人” soon. This cannot go on. 

The new yr thus far...

Big things are happening this year and I can't really put into words how I feel. So far 2016 has thrown me 2 curveballs and I've not quite figured out if they are for the best. All I know is, this 15 days in the new year has been a helluva roller coaster ride for me.

I suppose change is all part of life, and at 30, I should be more susceptible to things not going my way. I don't know what the future holds for me, but all I can do is take things one step at a time, and be grateful for all that I've been given. 

Lucas was down with gastric flu at the start of the New Year. That got me worried sick because he was puking and running a 39 degree intermittent fever that went on for 5 days. After 2 doctor trips and countless of medication, he's almost back to his normal happy self, with a sprinkle of phelgmy coughs here and there. This is the longest that he has been sick, but I'm so damn proud of my little trooper. He flashed his first toothy smile at me whilst I was giving him a nice bath after 5 days of moping around and I heaved a sigh of relief. My happy lucas is back :)

I blame myself for not spending sufficient time with him. Then I blame my job for sucking up so much of my energy that I can't bring myself to wheeze his toy car around with him for long in the evening. I swore that I wouldn't be a neglectful Mum, but sometimes I find myself lingering in the shower for an extra 5 mins just so I can have a bit of solidarity. We fight for survival at work and we come home feeling guilty about missing out on small progression in our kid's development. I browsed through my phone gallery and realized that the latest photo of Lucas is 2 weeks old. I remember snapping pictures of him everyday when I was home with him to freeze in time a certain expression, a cheeky grin, a pumpkin smeared lip or to video his first flip. He's growing up so quickly and I struggle daily between choosing to be with him or to provide for him. 

I'm envious of men. They have it easier guilt wise. 

I don't know what this yr has in store for me, all I can say is that it's been an interesting 2 weeks thus far. If this is how the rest of the is going to span out, I just hope that my tired and weak heart can bear the added stress. 

To a (hopefully) great 2016 ahead!!

One of the best days

It has been a rewarding journey thus far. I think I've gotten more recognition in this company than in my 7 years working as a remisier. I'm thankful for the opportunities given to me by my bosses and to my new clients who have supported me. 

Here's to a HUAT 2016!! GAMBATTE!