I suppose change is all part of life, and at 30, I should be more susceptible to things not going my way. I don't know what the future holds for me, but all I can do is take things one step at a time, and be grateful for all that I've been given.
Lucas was down with gastric flu at the start of the New Year. That got me worried sick because he was puking and running a 39 degree intermittent fever that went on for 5 days. After 2 doctor trips and countless of medication, he's almost back to his normal happy self, with a sprinkle of phelgmy coughs here and there. This is the longest that he has been sick, but I'm so damn proud of my little trooper. He flashed his first toothy smile at me whilst I was giving him a nice bath after 5 days of moping around and I heaved a sigh of relief. My happy lucas is back :)
I blame myself for not spending sufficient time with him. Then I blame my job for sucking up so much of my energy that I can't bring myself to wheeze his toy car around with him for long in the evening. I swore that I wouldn't be a neglectful Mum, but sometimes I find myself lingering in the shower for an extra 5 mins just so I can have a bit of solidarity. We fight for survival at work and we come home feeling guilty about missing out on small progression in our kid's development. I browsed through my phone gallery and realized that the latest photo of Lucas is 2 weeks old. I remember snapping pictures of him everyday when I was home with him to freeze in time a certain expression, a cheeky grin, a pumpkin smeared lip or to video his first flip. He's growing up so quickly and I struggle daily between choosing to be with him or to provide for him.
I'm envious of men. They have it easier guilt wise.
I don't know what this yr has in store for me, all I can say is that it's been an interesting 2 weeks thus far. If this is how the rest of the is going to span out, I just hope that my tired and weak heart can bear the added stress.
To a (hopefully) great 2016 ahead!!
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